Systematic Obsession

When I began der Vorgantg, one of the very first things that concerned me were the amount of mail I began to receive. Back then were the days of social networking and electronic communications therefore receiving mail was antiquated and inconvenient. My lawyer developed an open correspondence with me and required a reply by mail or fax ASAP. I repeatedly insisted him if we could do this via email. He discarded my suggestion because he suffered arthritis and didn’t know much about computers. No wonder he complained about having high cholesterol. However, my real pain came from all the mail originated from Lulu Land. I received letters from the department of vehicles, department of homeland security, department of alcoholic anonymous and self-declared pot heads, department of this and that… In one week, I had close to 10-pounds of paper and by the end of der Vorgang I had scratch paper for three generations! Lady Kokodrile and Aquaman helped me sorted up the correspondence and addressed important matters under my consent. There was no way I could deal with such a task because I hated paper. Photocopiers, fax machines, even the mailmen were known to be recipients of my abhorrence. Opening envelops was overwhelming. Reading the content was something I was unable to do. It led me to space out and developed suicidal thoughts. Der Vorgang challenged me and even though I excelled pretty much in all aspects of it receiving mail every day was not my thing.

I always struggled with obsessive behavior, Lady Kokodrile knows this better, all this correspondence was fanatical in my frank opinion. I even told Judge Judy about it. She didn't like it and perhaps this earned me 1o more hours of community service. But I was fed up that I had somehow spoke my mind! I still can't forget the dreams about receiving letters from all the habitants of Lulu Land, having sex with the mail men, and working as a post office clerk. In my Memoires of a Poor Fucker, Roads to Redemption and Solitude, I described all this excessive use of mail as a systematic obsession. Yes, I was being persecuted not by the law itself but all these letters that kept piling up on my desk. Aquaman one day [really God bless his heart] suggested me that I should file a lawsuit to Lulu Land for wasting paper. He went an argued about deforestation of the Amazon and global warming. I stopped him short... «Don’t be dumb ass dude, I said… What do you know about trees if you live in the ocean? » He said nothing back and looked sternly at me, while sorting out the letters. Later that day, Lady Kokodrile told me she had found Aquaman sobbing in the bathroom. I simply shook my head.

High Beams

Excuse me officer could you please tell me why did you stop me?—because you had your lights up and didn’t put them down.

—Did you put them down? –asked Aquaman in disbelief as he was ready to hear another bullshit from his prototype superhero.

—Of course I did man! I probably took three or four seconds to put them down, but I did put them goddamn lights down. The roads were dark to begin with, the Androidtrol came all of the sudden from a 45 degree curve, in that specific moment I was asking my copilot something, and besides I couldn't recall where the high beams switch was. Remember I told you I was driving a rental car. She passed us, made an illegal U-turn, and turned the red lights on; I pulled to the side and this was pretty much the beginning of Der Vorgang.

Excuse me officer could you please tell me why did you stop me?

Because you had your lights up and didn’t put them down. Can I have your driver license and your car registration please?

—It is a rental car, here is the rental agreement.

—Thanks

— And then? Aquaman asked half intrigued but somehow resigned to hear more bull crap.

—She asked me if we were drinking and I responded my friends were, that I was the designated driver, and shit. She asked me to step out of the car. I followed procedure.

—Well, you probably deserved it. Besides you were probably drunk, the so-called son of Neptune added ironically.

—Listen… Aquaboy! Don't jump into conclusions. I would like to say, just like I made the lawyer said to Judge Judy, that I was caught up in a series of unfortunate events of which I had no control. I just let myself go, didn't resist or argued against my bad luck. As I simply put it to my grandons, I was on the wrong place and at the wrong time. Besides you as crime fighter know better that resisting Androids or trying to out-smart them doesn't work. I opted to let the events conducted me to wherever I was supposed to be. This is the main reason I didn't cry fault before, during and after der Vorgang. Yes, it became the biggest irony, the grand absurdity. It was all meant to happen the way it did. First of all, the way I was stopped was ironical. For failing to put down the high beams. Can you imagine?

—Okay, I get it now.

—Look at you Aquaboy! It is not my problem; you are such a dweller and are confined by the crime of the shark and killer whale or whatever happens on the water. You can't even help the BP Oil Spill because you would simply die!

—Okay, okay... please!

—I have choices and opportunities you clearly don’t have. For years I have made the best out of the worst, and the grueling of der Vorgang proved to be another test of my resilience and mind over matter approach. The rookie Android perhaps benefited for a day or so. She used me to probe to her peers she belonged to the Androforce. When they learned about the specimen she caught, they probably felt sorry for her. However, what Androids know about reaching top of the mountains? Striving for their dreams? If they skip college and settle with a salary of a journey men. Their blue uniform becomes their own prison.

—Oh come on mister bragger, be humble and be content nothing wrong happened to you, said fishy smelling superhero.

—Go to hell!!! What do you know about driving a car with high beams?

Even Aquaman agrees with me until this day

—Hey remember das Krokodil Lady who was with you the day of the court?

—Please! of course I can remember her!. How couldn’t I possibly have forgotten about her?

—She seemed to love you a lot.

—Yes, she claimed she loved me… Don’t you remember all the drama she yelled to the judge during the trial? But man! Lady Krokodil proved to be a tough one to get rid of. I simply couldn’t. Tried every possible method and nothing! Until I simply gave up and trusted myself to the will of the gods. I felt inutile to the point that I began to believe that she and I will reincarnate in the same place and do it all over again. Imagine… she became my shadow and eventually became my conscience, my preferred way to auto-sabotage. Helplessly I granted her the power to decide on daily matters, manage my checking and saving account, and other simple and empty life events. She excelled on all those and championed making reservations and every process that required papers, fax machines, and long waiting on the phone. Even worse was the fact that my family, friends and even my enemies claimed that we looked good together. What they never imagined was that every year together I felt like becoming a dead body. The relationship was pure boredom; she was introverted, insipid, taciturn en fin… She had no means to have a conversation. At the beginning it was cute, but this eventually became a handicap for my intellectual circles.

—But she did help you during der Vorgang, right?

—Yeah she did! She came strong and represented me well.

—Then, what are you complaining of?

—Well, der Vorgang really called for her. As soon as she knew about my troubles, she knew what her role was. It was like the "call of the process" she received just like London’s story Call of the Wild. As soon as I told her “you are IN”. She engaged, planned the trip to Lala Land and even held conference calls with the lawyer. The process became her golden opportunity to demonstrate me that she a Krokodil could love outside the box. The time der Vorgang lasted was like living her destiny. Even Aquaman agrees with me until this day. One way or another for me all this ordeal was the opportunity I was waiting to become stronger, to show my resilience and my tolerance to the system, and show to the circus manager that I was the right person for the freak position. With or without her I had the certainty that things at the end will work out in my favor. And you know me better back then I made the best out of the worst.

—Yeah, you certainly fend the whips of process and thereafter managed to carry your life for a while until you pretty much collapsed.

—Oh well… let’s put it this way. I did what I had to do and now as I put it romantically my knees and shoulders became weak because my nature led me to be like Atlas. But you know what? Nobody even myself in this present condition can’t take away what it has been done.

[…]

Go ahead do your job!

—It is exactly what a said to the Androids.... "Go ahead do your job!" There was no point of resistance or pose arguments of what it doesn't have an explanation. Life have showed me what bad luck is. Studies have given me the competence to differentiated between might versus power. Besides you know that in the past I have trained Androids to perform their jobs, so I know where they are coming from with their bodily nature and step by step process. At least I had the pleasure to display some power over the soulless beings by commanding them to arrest me.

—And what did they do?

—What do you think they did? [...] They followed my orders at once, obviously at the end they claimed to the judge that they followed procedure, but the true of the matter was that I ordered them to do what their job. In other words to cut the bullshit and get it done! Trust me... The years have passed and I still treasure the memory of their vacuous eyes when they heard my orders. They were shocked that they even forgot to read me my rights. Then, when I found myself on their power the only thing left for me to do was to get in their minds as much as possible with small talk about topics they didn't know anything about.

—Really? Don't tell me you start telling them about Dostoevsky.

—Believe it or not, I didn't touch the Russian literature this time. Instead I was telling them about how the Edmund Dante became the Le Comte de Monte-Cristo. They were asking all sort of questions about who this dantes and monte-cristo were; I vaguely responded. My aim wasn't to entertain them but show them their stupidity. You should have seen how they looked at me in a sort of disbelief and enchantment.