Presenting the iDUI-1000

iDUI-1000 one fine
single speed maschine

Among the many products and services my Enterprise offers are tools to survive the everydayness, exist through transcendence, and annihilate the abhorrent routine. After the dasGTI electronics were seriously damaged by the Lawyer's best buddy, die Mechanik, the das Wagen became useless and left me with no choice but to find solutions to get the job done. Aquaman first insisted on renting a das Wagen from Enterprise Rentals while Lady Kokodrile treasured the idea of riding a scooter together through town. I desisted on their recommendations which at the same time I found them idiotic. They knew better that my funds were limited after buying two brand new patrols to the Android-Law-Enforcement of Lulu Land. Therefore it was a no-brainer to put the iDUI-1000 to work, and this was the best business decision of my entire career.

Ending of der Vorgang

Years have passed since I finished with Der Vorgang. Until now I don’t know if I completed all the steps. Upon the ending the probation phase, nobody was available to sign-off on the tasks I completed. I never expected a certificate of completion or a celebration by my team of psychologists, or the big hug Aquaman promised, and wanted to avoid anyways. I didn’t bother to learn what was next; I wasn’t that stupid, there was things I didn't want to know. My decision was to let my life continued as usual, and without the requisites of Der Vorgang and pesky correspondence of "my" lawyer I slowly regained anonymity. Only Aquaman and Lady Kokodrile know where I live, they often show up with food and souvenirs from the places they visit. Their relationship has gone through pretty much everything, but they seem convinced that love does exist. These two fools were born to die together, was my conclusion when I left them go. At least I’m glad that they are out of my life now. The pesky Lady Kokodrile found the perfect idiot in Aquafart at last! As of me I really don’t care where I’m going with my life. If something I learned during Der Vorgang is not to worry about things I have no control of. Another key personal accomplishment during the probation phase was the ability I demonstrated to begin living with less. I did learn a lesson, and never gave money to the Androids security force, lawyer specie and never stand in front of a judge. In fact, I learned to ride my bike, the iDUI-1000 everywhere and became an even more resilient person after wards. My conclusion was take away something and you will only make me better.

Status Update

Status… My lawyer left me a voicemail asking me for a status update. Status of what? thought myself. I called him and without further due to explain him my situation again for failing to put down the high beams. He didn’t remember me and left me with no option to introduce myself for the fifth time. Such a travesty! —I thought. He knows my address, how much money is charging me, writes me letters and can’t recall who I am.

—No status or updates, I said.

—Well, it is a though case my friend.

—I know, said I. I broke a law and I’m ready to pay the consequences. I'm ready to die if necessary. Planning for the worst case scenario has been and will always be my approach.

—I understand, but still we need to find a way to get you out of this problem or at least get the best result possible. The people of Lulu Land deserve to hear your case.

—Sure, I appreciate your interests. But trust me what is done is done. I’m pretty verse on Greek Philosophy and I came to the conclusion that my power or ability is no match to the mighty law of the white fellow. I’m ready to take the knee and follow Judge Judy’s recommendations. I have not killed, stolen, or rapped therefore my conscious is clean and my heart is unscratched.

—Well, that’s a good way of looking at it, but still it is my job to represent you in the best way possible and present your situation to the people of Lulu Land.

—Thanks, I appreciate that –said I believing nothing of what my lawyer said.

I have no interest of making my lawyer a friend of mine or an acquaintance, wrote on my diary one night. He is collecting money because he is part of the der Vorgang . His role is to take me to the next step of the process. Aquaman and Lady Kokodrile have insisted me to keep track on my lawyer and be always in contact with him to learn where my case is going.  What for? –I have asked them.  There was no point on talking to a lawyer when he clearly was playing a dual role in der Vorgang.  Enough was with the money he was receiving. One thing I knew, I didn't want to was my time with him. Aquaman several times reproached my attitude. He was such a welfare sucker; he claimed to have the means to get the most out of the government agencies and lawyers. He had the method, as he adamantly claimed. Several times I cut him short and sent him back to the bath tub. His arrogance was something I couldn’t deal with especially when he look so ruined and pathetic. On the other hand, Lady Kokodrile employed her passive ways to pursue me to contact the lawyer and learn where the case was going, but I pretty much cut her short and dry to be left alone.

What really matter to me was to move to the next step of der Vorgang.  The money or documents were not of my concern. My time was, this was the primary reason I wasn't interested on the paper work or talking to the lawyer. My sight was fixed on the gate keeper, meet the standards and right after complete next step of der Vorgang.

My Friend the Surfer

Doctor Brown or Dr. Feel Good whatever you want to call him was my official physician. For years he managed to cure my problems and provided me technical solutions for my Enterprise. He was the owner of the master body calibration, or back adjustment to adhere to medicine strict lingo. There was no way I could undertake the antagonism of these mysterious sub-conscious mechanism without consulting him. I needed him as part of the team to undertake the steps of der Vorgang no matter what if my aliments were caused by the dark forces of the der Vorgang as lady Kokodrile suggested; or were simply the result of my wussyness—as Aquaman one night put it sarcastically. It became imperative to seek the services of my doctor. I called and took the first appointment he had. He was thrilled to hear from me at last!

Aquaman offered himself to drive me to Doctor Brown’s office. He wasn’t looking to do me the favor but validate everything I have claimed about my doctor’s master body calibration was true. When we arrived, Doctor Brown was already awaiting me. He was delighted to see “my friend the surfer” as he kindly put it, and invited us without further due to come inside his office. My pathetic superhero became offended, obviously! But he came short to display his crudity because Doctor Brown is one of those persons that transmits good vibes. Once inside the office, I quickly pointed a corner to Aquaman for him to seat; he obediently took a seat.

—So what we have here? Scars, bruises, contusions… Boy you are really beat up. Were you trying to break your bones again? —Doctor Brown inquired joyfully.
—That’s right Doctor Brown. Actually, all those injuries I sustained them during an all-hands down meeting to recognize Dionysius, my lord, my savior; you know the drill…
—Yeah, yeah, now I remember this cult you are forming.
—It is not a cult or religion, Doctor Brown, it is an Enterprise —said I as serious as possible.
—Yes, it is the Enterprise I just recalled our conversations. Mind me I’m getting old. But anyways what can I do for you today?
—Well, Doctor Brown… There is this pain the travels through my back as if I were an electricity transformer the only issue is that it radiates pain instead of power.
—Hmm… Interesting, and what your friend the surfer has to say about this? —asked the question directly to Aquaman, who was self-absorbed looking around the peculiar decoration of the office.

I obviously wished Doctor Brown would had never acknowledged Aquaman’s presence nor asked him anything, but his putrid smelling orange skin vest, his ugly black outdated Speedo, and his poor-fuck face were like his own spotlight. It wasn't easy not to fix your eyes on him! It took him three seconds for him to realize that Doctor Brown was asking him something. These three seconds became my golden opportunity to prepare myself for the inevitable.

—Well… —said the so-called son of Neptune who paused to take a deep breath as if preparing his response —I have advised him to read his horoscope and the Bible every day. I even went beyond my personal beliefs and recommended him a couple self-help books, which I had read and applied them to my life. After all the pain he has gone through these days, he is in great need of some sort of divine help. You know the Lord says that…

—Okay my surfer friend… —rushed Doctor Brown to interrupt what apparently was about to become Aquaman’s sermon. —I know your friend appreciate your caring, right?

—Yes, indeed… He does care about me and the Enterprise. This is the main reason he still has his position as Superhero Designer Consultant —said I right away to help Doctor Brown stopped the nonsense of my fishy assistant

After all he and I didn’t believe in the propaganda of the horoscope or divine books neither on the gibberish of the self-help books. This is something that Aquaman was trying to push on me since I brought him on-board. It was impossible to reason with persons whose brains were washed with ideas that were not theirs. Since I left the Christ in the cross, my approach of survival became a mind over matter affair. I stopped soliciting help from the heaven instead I developed an incredible self-reliance that allowed me to carry-on difficult situations, and which I was employing to move through the steps of der Vorgang.

I looked at Aquaman expecting from him a counter-argument. Luckily, he has lost interest on the conversation and was caught up looking at the masks hanged through the wall of the office.

—Shall we start the healing?

 —Yes, doctor Brown let's show this pain who it is dealing with!

Failed to Put the Lights Down

—You know, I’m a writer… Not a famous one yet. But at least I try to scribe my sub-conscious processes.

—Which authors you read? —asked the young Android.

—But I gotta be sincere with you… I'm starting to believe that I am a fraud like all these millennian generation kids; they all claim that are artists but run low on steam and passion; if you ask me, they lack poise, they are doomed. Although my real problem is that I can’t write long stories or novels because I don't have the loyalty to long projects or relationships.

—So what authors do you read? —a resigned Android asked again?

—You don’t understand… Writers must seek thrilling adventures, change their opinions often until they reach contradiction, and most importantly go through new experiences such as this one… Being pull over because failing to put down the lights and consequently arrested for not passing the fourth and decisive DuI-TesT.

—Don't feel so proud okay...

—You don't understand officer! This is a total new experience and something I can use to write something worth reading.

—You mean a self-help book?

—Nah… I’m over self-help books; I hope you are not reading that garbage. I read them all when I was 14 years old; they seemed to be written for the Baby-boomers and my generation. As you could have seen on your computer when you ran the criminal report on me; I have never been in trouble with the law. Since the electoral fraud of 2000, I stopped believing in politicians and as a consequence I have never participated in elections and such. Because of these I have developed a model behavior to stay within my boundaries and don’t trouble the government with any wrongdoing from my part. This at least I can do for the feds. I pay my taxes and don’t participate in politics in exchange of living unnoticeable, invisible per say. Do you understand what I am saying?

—No… but you still haven’t told me what authors you read.

—Well… I read Wilde, and lots of Russian literature, but don't get me started on the poetry of Gogol. Let me continue… before your duty will call you away from me. How sad would be not been able to finish my conversation with you. As I was saying to you… I am fraud as a writer. But I see this grave mistake for failing to put the high-beams down as my golden opportunity to revindicate me as a writer.

—Excuse me sir but you really failing to understand the seriousness of your arrest!

—I will never dispute that, you know why?

—Why?

—Because I simply flunk the decisive test when I blew a number above the limit, believe me I know better... One cannot go against the law more so if it has number backing her up. What could I have done? Made you chase me? I would have made you a hero, and we have enough with all the fighter fighters riding fast and furious with the turbo diesel units through the streets without realizing they are the dangerous one. Come on officer!!! Besides with my bad hip, I couldn’t have made it 200 meters. Regardless, this whole experience I'm finding it beneficial to my writing and to the universal literature.

—You seem to have no idea in the shit of trouble you are apparently!

—Perhaps I’m in trouble with the law. At least I've seen your smile. I understand that you have your own standards and according to your training received in the academy this is a terrible thing, which it is without a doubt, and I should be punished accordingly. Tell me... Do I have any possibility for me to feel innocent inside this cell? Do you think I'm that stupid to cry to the Judge that I was pull over for just failing to put the lights down??? Sure is a lesser offense; I have not killed. rapped or stolen… Less I posed any dangers to the wild life of Lulu land or my passengers in the car first of all because I wasn’t speeding or running stop signs or traffic lights like most drunken drivers do. My only mistake was that it took me 3 seconds to lower my lights.

—Still you were driving under the influence.

—Exactly… you are right but it took three and a final test to give you the opportunity to apply the law. It was the high beams and perhaps my demands that caught your attention. After all I'm a client of yours and as one simply I demanded an explanation on why you stopped me.

—Which I gave it you… I stopped you because you failed to put the lights down.

—That phrase indeed failed to put the lights down will be the beginning of a tribute poem to Rimbaud. Indeed I failed! Mind me officer to remind you that it was the first time I used them on the rental car. You and I both were on the wrong place and at the wrong time. You came so fast from a 45 degree curved the high lights simply blinded you. I, on the other hand, simply couldn't find the switch on time.

—Sir… you still don't realize what you did was wrong.

—Why so angry? I think I should be the one angry. Perhaps you were expecting a much sophisticated criminal at 3 in the morning. Jesus Christ officer. Lulu Land will need ten years of gang development for you to see what real crime is all about and star making your journey man salary worth every penny. Let’s face it… I made it so easy for you. I can even help you fill the paper work if want...

—You are full of shit man, it didn’t happened that way —Aquaman said half jokingly.

—Whatever my friend… whatever… You better be thankful that my “failing to put the lights down” mistake gave you this job, and now you are part of this enterprise.

—You are so full of shit! I could have get a job somewhere else.

—Go to hell Aquaman, seriously…! You know better that Imperial Beach is ghetto, and you were on the brink of homelessness may I remind you of that! At least, you poor bastard, no longer are sucking the blood out of the feds through welfare.

The Appearance of a Sub-conscious Mechanism

Two weeks after the der Vorgang, my physical condition began to deteriorate. This is the main reason I sought the services of Aquaman. Back then he lived in Imperial Beach, had had no steady job for years, so when I introduced myself as “someone desperately in need of a superhero” he immediately offered his services and swore he could fight against pretty much anybody or anything. I became suspicious of his lavish enthusiasm. I offered him the job, the same day he signed a contract for 6-months to become part of my team. At first I thought I got a deal. However, days later after making his acquaintance, I understood that the poor bastard needed my help more than I needed his. Our first rift was caused by the form he requested a bathtub and salt to which I asked «why? » « Listen pal, » he replied angrily while pointing to his skinsuit, « can’t you tell where I’m coming from? »

On day #8, I began to be afflicted by the excessive paperwork. It made no sense. My health was good, but my body began to cripple right after I suffered a contusion on my back. There was nothing I could do; I tried to exercise with no avail. It became contra productive, so I began irremediably to abuse the painkillers and amphetamines. I even watched TV for 12 straight hours in hope my body will heal by resting it. This eventually work against me. I considered an individual with certain degree of mental toughness, but there was obviously something fuzzy in my thought process, a sub-conscious mechanism working against my efforts per se. Since Aquaman prove to be an incompetent on the first two-hours of his very first shift, I decided to change his role. There was no way I could rely on him to fight during der Vorgan. So I asked him to assist Lady Kokodrile sorting up the correspondence and find a way to get rid of the garbage. Surprisingly he didn't reproached and followed through with his new responsibilities.

On my end, I began to investigate the sub-conscious mechanism that, in my personal opinion, was the cause of my body pains. The injuries that followed posed a real risk to my overall well-being. These needed to be healed and prevented at all cost although finding this mechanism was necessary. One method I had always employed to find suspicious sub-conscious mechanisms is by doing something different everyday, in other words, breaching the harmony of the routine.

I began drinking my morning coffee while showering. It was relaxing. «It was weird,» as Aquaman adamantly put it during dinner. But it was the only way I could conduct examinations of my mind. My first attempt led me to a sense of nothingness. A phenomena that wasn't knew for me. I had conducted successful examinations of such state in the past. I had found its cause, and better yet had found what to do with it! Obviously, I was on a different stage of my existence and practically had to figure this sense of nullity from scratch. For fortune, I had my assistants dealing with all the paper work and corresponding back to my lawyer and the departments of Lulu Land. This allowed me to chase down and exterminate the tricks of my mind.

But lady luck was again not on my side, and I rode the pain until one day tired of all this stiffness I finally reached out to...

Systematic Obsession

When I began der Vorgantg, one of the very first things that concerned me were the amount of mail I began to receive. Back then were the days of social networking and electronic communications therefore receiving mail was antiquated and inconvenient. My lawyer developed an open correspondence with me and required a reply by mail or fax ASAP. I repeatedly insisted him if we could do this via email. He discarded my suggestion because he suffered arthritis and didn’t know much about computers. No wonder he complained about having high cholesterol. However, my real pain came from all the mail originated from Lulu Land. I received letters from the department of vehicles, department of homeland security, department of alcoholic anonymous and self-declared pot heads, department of this and that… In one week, I had close to 10-pounds of paper and by the end of der Vorgang I had scratch paper for three generations! Lady Kokodrile and Aquaman helped me sorted up the correspondence and addressed important matters under my consent. There was no way I could deal with such a task because I hated paper. Photocopiers, fax machines, even the mailmen were known to be recipients of my abhorrence. Opening envelops was overwhelming. Reading the content was something I was unable to do. It led me to space out and developed suicidal thoughts. Der Vorgang challenged me and even though I excelled pretty much in all aspects of it receiving mail every day was not my thing.

I always struggled with obsessive behavior, Lady Kokodrile knows this better, all this correspondence was fanatical in my frank opinion. I even told Judge Judy about it. She didn't like it and perhaps this earned me 1o more hours of community service. But I was fed up that I had somehow spoke my mind! I still can't forget the dreams about receiving letters from all the habitants of Lulu Land, having sex with the mail men, and working as a post office clerk. In my Memoires of a Poor Fucker, Roads to Redemption and Solitude, I described all this excessive use of mail as a systematic obsession. Yes, I was being persecuted not by the law itself but all these letters that kept piling up on my desk. Aquaman one day [really God bless his heart] suggested me that I should file a lawsuit to Lulu Land for wasting paper. He went an argued about deforestation of the Amazon and global warming. I stopped him short... «Don’t be dumb ass dude, I said… What do you know about trees if you live in the ocean? » He said nothing back and looked sternly at me, while sorting out the letters. Later that day, Lady Kokodrile told me she had found Aquaman sobbing in the bathroom. I simply shook my head.

High Beams

Excuse me officer could you please tell me why did you stop me?—because you had your lights up and didn’t put them down.

—Did you put them down? –asked Aquaman in disbelief as he was ready to hear another bullshit from his prototype superhero.

—Of course I did man! I probably took three or four seconds to put them down, but I did put them goddamn lights down. The roads were dark to begin with, the Androidtrol came all of the sudden from a 45 degree curve, in that specific moment I was asking my copilot something, and besides I couldn't recall where the high beams switch was. Remember I told you I was driving a rental car. She passed us, made an illegal U-turn, and turned the red lights on; I pulled to the side and this was pretty much the beginning of Der Vorgang.

Excuse me officer could you please tell me why did you stop me?

Because you had your lights up and didn’t put them down. Can I have your driver license and your car registration please?

—It is a rental car, here is the rental agreement.

—Thanks

— And then? Aquaman asked half intrigued but somehow resigned to hear more bull crap.

—She asked me if we were drinking and I responded my friends were, that I was the designated driver, and shit. She asked me to step out of the car. I followed procedure.

—Well, you probably deserved it. Besides you were probably drunk, the so-called son of Neptune added ironically.

—Listen… Aquaboy! Don't jump into conclusions. I would like to say, just like I made the lawyer said to Judge Judy, that I was caught up in a series of unfortunate events of which I had no control. I just let myself go, didn't resist or argued against my bad luck. As I simply put it to my grandons, I was on the wrong place and at the wrong time. Besides you as crime fighter know better that resisting Androids or trying to out-smart them doesn't work. I opted to let the events conducted me to wherever I was supposed to be. This is the main reason I didn't cry fault before, during and after der Vorgang. Yes, it became the biggest irony, the grand absurdity. It was all meant to happen the way it did. First of all, the way I was stopped was ironical. For failing to put down the high beams. Can you imagine?

—Okay, I get it now.

—Look at you Aquaboy! It is not my problem; you are such a dweller and are confined by the crime of the shark and killer whale or whatever happens on the water. You can't even help the BP Oil Spill because you would simply die!

—Okay, okay... please!

—I have choices and opportunities you clearly don’t have. For years I have made the best out of the worst, and the grueling of der Vorgang proved to be another test of my resilience and mind over matter approach. The rookie Android perhaps benefited for a day or so. She used me to probe to her peers she belonged to the Androforce. When they learned about the specimen she caught, they probably felt sorry for her. However, what Androids know about reaching top of the mountains? Striving for their dreams? If they skip college and settle with a salary of a journey men. Their blue uniform becomes their own prison.

—Oh come on mister bragger, be humble and be content nothing wrong happened to you, said fishy smelling superhero.

—Go to hell!!! What do you know about driving a car with high beams?

Even Aquaman agrees with me until this day

—Hey remember das Krokodil Lady who was with you the day of the court?

—Please! of course I can remember her!. How couldn’t I possibly have forgotten about her?

—She seemed to love you a lot.

—Yes, she claimed she loved me… Don’t you remember all the drama she yelled to the judge during the trial? But man! Lady Krokodil proved to be a tough one to get rid of. I simply couldn’t. Tried every possible method and nothing! Until I simply gave up and trusted myself to the will of the gods. I felt inutile to the point that I began to believe that she and I will reincarnate in the same place and do it all over again. Imagine… she became my shadow and eventually became my conscience, my preferred way to auto-sabotage. Helplessly I granted her the power to decide on daily matters, manage my checking and saving account, and other simple and empty life events. She excelled on all those and championed making reservations and every process that required papers, fax machines, and long waiting on the phone. Even worse was the fact that my family, friends and even my enemies claimed that we looked good together. What they never imagined was that every year together I felt like becoming a dead body. The relationship was pure boredom; she was introverted, insipid, taciturn en fin… She had no means to have a conversation. At the beginning it was cute, but this eventually became a handicap for my intellectual circles.

—But she did help you during der Vorgang, right?

—Yeah she did! She came strong and represented me well.

—Then, what are you complaining of?

—Well, der Vorgang really called for her. As soon as she knew about my troubles, she knew what her role was. It was like the "call of the process" she received just like London’s story Call of the Wild. As soon as I told her “you are IN”. She engaged, planned the trip to Lala Land and even held conference calls with the lawyer. The process became her golden opportunity to demonstrate me that she a Krokodil could love outside the box. The time der Vorgang lasted was like living her destiny. Even Aquaman agrees with me until this day. One way or another for me all this ordeal was the opportunity I was waiting to become stronger, to show my resilience and my tolerance to the system, and show to the circus manager that I was the right person for the freak position. With or without her I had the certainty that things at the end will work out in my favor. And you know me better back then I made the best out of the worst.

—Yeah, you certainly fend the whips of process and thereafter managed to carry your life for a while until you pretty much collapsed.

—Oh well… let’s put it this way. I did what I had to do and now as I put it romantically my knees and shoulders became weak because my nature led me to be like Atlas. But you know what? Nobody even myself in this present condition can’t take away what it has been done.

[…]

Go ahead do your job!

—It is exactly what a said to the Androids.... "Go ahead do your job!" There was no point of resistance or pose arguments of what it doesn't have an explanation. Life have showed me what bad luck is. Studies have given me the competence to differentiated between might versus power. Besides you know that in the past I have trained Androids to perform their jobs, so I know where they are coming from with their bodily nature and step by step process. At least I had the pleasure to display some power over the soulless beings by commanding them to arrest me.

—And what did they do?

—What do you think they did? [...] They followed my orders at once, obviously at the end they claimed to the judge that they followed procedure, but the true of the matter was that I ordered them to do what their job. In other words to cut the bullshit and get it done! Trust me... The years have passed and I still treasure the memory of their vacuous eyes when they heard my orders. They were shocked that they even forgot to read me my rights. Then, when I found myself on their power the only thing left for me to do was to get in their minds as much as possible with small talk about topics they didn't know anything about.

—Really? Don't tell me you start telling them about Dostoevsky.

—Believe it or not, I didn't touch the Russian literature this time. Instead I was telling them about how the Edmund Dante became the Le Comte de Monte-Cristo. They were asking all sort of questions about who this dantes and monte-cristo were; I vaguely responded. My aim wasn't to entertain them but show them their stupidity. You should have seen how they looked at me in a sort of disbelief and enchantment.