Showing posts with label irony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label irony. Show all posts

Monday, August 2, 2010

Failed to Put the Lights Down

—You know, I’m a writer… Not a famous one yet. But at least I try to scribe my sub-conscious processes.

—Which authors you read? —asked the young Android.

—But I gotta be sincere with you… I'm starting to believe that I am a fraud like all these millennian generation kids; they all claim that are artists but run low on steam and passion; if you ask me, they lack poise, they are doomed. Although my real problem is that I can’t write long stories or novels because I don't have the loyalty to long projects or relationships.

—So what authors do you read? —a resigned Android asked again?

—You don’t understand… Writers must seek thrilling adventures, change their opinions often until they reach contradiction, and most importantly go through new experiences such as this one… Being pull over because failing to put down the lights and consequently arrested for not passing the fourth and decisive DuI-TesT.

—Don't feel so proud okay...

—You don't understand officer! This is a total new experience and something I can use to write something worth reading.

—You mean a self-help book?

—Nah… I’m over self-help books; I hope you are not reading that garbage. I read them all when I was 14 years old; they seemed to be written for the Baby-boomers and my generation. As you could have seen on your computer when you ran the criminal report on me; I have never been in trouble with the law. Since the electoral fraud of 2000, I stopped believing in politicians and as a consequence I have never participated in elections and such. Because of these I have developed a model behavior to stay within my boundaries and don’t trouble the government with any wrongdoing from my part. This at least I can do for the feds. I pay my taxes and don’t participate in politics in exchange of living unnoticeable, invisible per say. Do you understand what I am saying?

—No… but you still haven’t told me what authors you read.

—Well… I read Wilde, and lots of Russian literature, but don't get me started on the poetry of Gogol. Let me continue… before your duty will call you away from me. How sad would be not been able to finish my conversation with you. As I was saying to you… I am fraud as a writer. But I see this grave mistake for failing to put the high-beams down as my golden opportunity to revindicate me as a writer.

—Excuse me sir but you really failing to understand the seriousness of your arrest!

—I will never dispute that, you know why?

—Why?

—Because I simply flunk the decisive test when I blew a number above the limit, believe me I know better... One cannot go against the law more so if it has number backing her up. What could I have done? Made you chase me? I would have made you a hero, and we have enough with all the fighter fighters riding fast and furious with the turbo diesel units through the streets without realizing they are the dangerous one. Come on officer!!! Besides with my bad hip, I couldn’t have made it 200 meters. Regardless, this whole experience I'm finding it beneficial to my writing and to the universal literature.

—You seem to have no idea in the shit of trouble you are apparently!

—Perhaps I’m in trouble with the law. At least I've seen your smile. I understand that you have your own standards and according to your training received in the academy this is a terrible thing, which it is without a doubt, and I should be punished accordingly. Tell me... Do I have any possibility for me to feel innocent inside this cell? Do you think I'm that stupid to cry to the Judge that I was pull over for just failing to put the lights down??? Sure is a lesser offense; I have not killed. rapped or stolen… Less I posed any dangers to the wild life of Lulu land or my passengers in the car first of all because I wasn’t speeding or running stop signs or traffic lights like most drunken drivers do. My only mistake was that it took me 3 seconds to lower my lights.

—Still you were driving under the influence.

—Exactly… you are right but it took three and a final test to give you the opportunity to apply the law. It was the high beams and perhaps my demands that caught your attention. After all I'm a client of yours and as one simply I demanded an explanation on why you stopped me.

—Which I gave it you… I stopped you because you failed to put the lights down.

—That phrase indeed failed to put the lights down will be the beginning of a tribute poem to Rimbaud. Indeed I failed! Mind me officer to remind you that it was the first time I used them on the rental car. You and I both were on the wrong place and at the wrong time. You came so fast from a 45 degree curved the high lights simply blinded you. I, on the other hand, simply couldn't find the switch on time.

—Sir… you still don't realize what you did was wrong.

—Why so angry? I think I should be the one angry. Perhaps you were expecting a much sophisticated criminal at 3 in the morning. Jesus Christ officer. Lulu Land will need ten years of gang development for you to see what real crime is all about and star making your journey man salary worth every penny. Let’s face it… I made it so easy for you. I can even help you fill the paper work if want...

—You are full of shit man, it didn’t happened that way —Aquaman said half jokingly.

—Whatever my friend… whatever… You better be thankful that my “failing to put the lights down” mistake gave you this job, and now you are part of this enterprise.

—You are so full of shit! I could have get a job somewhere else.

—Go to hell Aquaman, seriously…! You know better that Imperial Beach is ghetto, and you were on the brink of homelessness may I remind you of that! At least, you poor bastard, no longer are sucking the blood out of the feds through welfare.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

High Beams

Excuse me officer could you please tell me why did you stop me?—because you had your lights up and didn’t put them down.

—Did you put them down? –asked Aquaman in disbelief as he was ready to hear another bullshit from his prototype superhero.

—Of course I did man! I probably took three or four seconds to put them down, but I did put them goddamn lights down. The roads were dark to begin with, the Androidtrol came all of the sudden from a 45 degree curve, in that specific moment I was asking my copilot something, and besides I couldn't recall where the high beams switch was. Remember I told you I was driving a rental car. She passed us, made an illegal U-turn, and turned the red lights on; I pulled to the side and this was pretty much the beginning of Der Vorgang.

Excuse me officer could you please tell me why did you stop me?

Because you had your lights up and didn’t put them down. Can I have your driver license and your car registration please?

—It is a rental car, here is the rental agreement.

—Thanks

— And then? Aquaman asked half intrigued but somehow resigned to hear more bull crap.

—She asked me if we were drinking and I responded my friends were, that I was the designated driver, and shit. She asked me to step out of the car. I followed procedure.

—Well, you probably deserved it. Besides you were probably drunk, the so-called son of Neptune added ironically.

—Listen… Aquaboy! Don't jump into conclusions. I would like to say, just like I made the lawyer said to Judge Judy, that I was caught up in a series of unfortunate events of which I had no control. I just let myself go, didn't resist or argued against my bad luck. As I simply put it to my grandons, I was on the wrong place and at the wrong time. Besides you as crime fighter know better that resisting Androids or trying to out-smart them doesn't work. I opted to let the events conducted me to wherever I was supposed to be. This is the main reason I didn't cry fault before, during and after der Vorgang. Yes, it became the biggest irony, the grand absurdity. It was all meant to happen the way it did. First of all, the way I was stopped was ironical. For failing to put down the high beams. Can you imagine?

—Okay, I get it now.

—Look at you Aquaboy! It is not my problem; you are such a dweller and are confined by the crime of the shark and killer whale or whatever happens on the water. You can't even help the BP Oil Spill because you would simply die!

—Okay, okay... please!

—I have choices and opportunities you clearly don’t have. For years I have made the best out of the worst, and the grueling of der Vorgang proved to be another test of my resilience and mind over matter approach. The rookie Android perhaps benefited for a day or so. She used me to probe to her peers she belonged to the Androforce. When they learned about the specimen she caught, they probably felt sorry for her. However, what Androids know about reaching top of the mountains? Striving for their dreams? If they skip college and settle with a salary of a journey men. Their blue uniform becomes their own prison.

—Oh come on mister bragger, be humble and be content nothing wrong happened to you, said fishy smelling superhero.

—Go to hell!!! What do you know about driving a car with high beams?